Funny One Liners

  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
  • Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
  • Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  • My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
  • I said “no” to drugs, but they didn’t listen.
  • Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
  • Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
  • Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
  • Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
  • Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
  • I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
  • The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  • Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
  • Why is it that when a door is open, it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
  • The wise never marry – And when they marry they become otherwise.
  • When two’s company, three’s the result!
  • Children in backseats cause accidents; accidents in backseats cause children!
  • Rehab is for quitters.
  • Don’t you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked ‘Brightness,’ but it doesn’t work.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
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