Finding and Keeping a Life partner!


When it comes to making the decision about choosing  a life partner, no-one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce  rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in  their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re  getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love”; I believe this is the  …1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should  never be based on love. Though this may sound “not politically  correct”, there’s a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather,  love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are  right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: “You can’t  build a lifetime relationship on love alone”; You need a lot  more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if  you’re serious about finding and keeping a life  partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life  purpose? Why is this so important?
Let me put it this way:  If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with  someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and  more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can  grow together, or
(2) You can grow apart. 50% of the people out there  are growing apart.

To make a marriage work, you need to know what you  want out of life!
Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.


QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings  and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of  your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with  this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – i.e.  trust that I won’t get “punished”; or hurt for expressing my honest  thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive  person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts  and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel  emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.


QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a  mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive  person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on  personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving  themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is  always striving to be good and do the right “;. So ask about your  significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person  materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top  priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the  world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who  are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to  be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right  thing. You need to know
that before walking down the  aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other  people?
The one most important thing that makes any  relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to  give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to  others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-  absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do  they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as  waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and  siblings? Do they have gratitude and  appreciation?

If they don’t have gratitude for the people who  have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You  can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually  treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I’m hoping to  change about this person after we’re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying  someone with the intention of trying to “improve”; them after  they’re married. As a
colleague of mine puts it: “You can probably expect  someone to change after marriage for the worse” If you cannot fully  accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to  marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult  and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your  head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible  when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help  you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but  when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find  yourself trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller,  M.A.

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5 thoughts on “Finding and Keeping a Life partner!

  1. “mensch” <– I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

  2. Hey thats a great post. (I know I know… putting a comment in a long long time)

    Nowadays many young people select their partners base on financial status, how handsome or beautiful the person is and some very funny qualities thereby forgetting the most important qualities like the internal character, family tradition & culture and behaviour of the person. Marriage is about Responsibilty, Patience, the ability to Adapt and Accommodate your partner’s behaviour. Wearing the marriage ring is not eveerything. May Allah have mercy and bless us all. Ameen.

  3. @ navedz

    I should thank you first for your precious time!!
    Wow you have given some valuable inputs too. Hoping to see more of you here.

  4. thanx a lot. its quite helpful.

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